Little Johnny was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the called Little Johnny's teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in class?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two p ... read more

A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister. "What are you doing?" he asks. "Warming up your dinner."

First man: "I follow the medical profession." Second man: "Are you a doctor?" First man: "No, I'm an undertaker."

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Q: What does a plumber need to know about his job? A: Sh*t runs downhill and payday is on Friday.