Boss comes up to an employee: "Yesterday you did a great job - in one day you managed to do as much work, as you did in previous month!" "Thanks boss, that's because Facebook was shut down for the whole day."

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him. The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers ... read more

My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I'm still employed. I just can't remember where.

You could give me 37 years to do homework and I still wouldn't do it until the night before.

Q: Why did the astronaut retire? A: He got spaced out!