Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first. - Steve Irwin (1962 - 2006)

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Old Farmer Peter was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones." Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you." Peter: "But I want you to." Wife: "But why?" Peter: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

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When Chuck Norris tries to kill himself, he always dodges the killing blow 'cause he's that awesome.

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One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don’t speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to “secure a building,” they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

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The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.

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