James Bond's license to kill was approved by Chuck Norris.

Two bums are sitting talking. The first one starts bragging, "Today was the best day ever! This morning I found a brand new pack of smokes just sitting on the ground. So you know what I did? I sat and smoked every fucking one of them... had the best day ever." The second bum just laughs, "That's nothing, today I was walking along the rail road tracks and I found this girl laying on the tracks. You know what I did? I fucked her all day long." The other bum interrupts, "Bull! You didn't do it all day long did you?", the other continues, "Well, no but it was for at least a few g ... read more

My dad died on 9-11. He was the best amateur bomber on Iraq's flight team.

Chuck Norris invented the question mark... so he could say the sentence "Do you want to die slowly of fast?"

Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?