Chuck Norris only mast*rbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

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How is a soyburger like a dildo? They're both substitutes for meat.

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Q: What do you call a teenage girl who doesn't masturbate? A: Liar.

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An old woman goes in to a sex shop, shaking. "Sir," she says in a shaky voice, "do you sell vibrators?" "Yes, ma'am." "And are they this big around and this long?" she asks in a shaky voice. "Yes, ma'am." "And they're $22.95?" she asks in a shaky voice. "Yes, ma'am." "How do you turn them off?"

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Chuck Norris once wrestled a thirty foot snake, and then he realized he was just masturbating.

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