Chuck Norris only mast*rbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

A cowboy rides in the desert and comes upon a Native American lying naked with a hard-on. He asks, "What are you doing?" The naked man replies, "I'm finding out the time -- it is 12:15." The cowboy looks at his watch and thinks, "Wow, it really is 12:15." The cowboy continues and sees another Native American lying naked with a hard-on. He asks, "What are you doing?" The naked man replies, "I'm seeing what time it is -- it is 3:15." The cowboy looks at his watch and that is the correct time. The cowboy continues and finds a third Native American lying naked on the ground, masturbating. ... read more

Chuck Norris once wrestled a thirty foot snake, and then he realized he was just masturbating.

Q: What's the ultimate rejection? A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q: What do you call a teenage girl who doesn't masturbate? A: Liar.