Q: When is the only time a guy can multi-task? A: When he's watching porn, masturbating, and keeping an eye on the door at the same time...

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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

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How is a soyburger like a dildo? They're both substitutes for meat.

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Dad: Hey son, if you keep masturbating your going to go blind. Son: Dad im over here.

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A man is at the optometrist getting his eyes checked. "You need to stop masturbating so much," the optometrist says. "Why?" asks the man. "Is it going to make me go blind?" The optometrist looks around and says "no, but it's making the other patients very uncomfortable."

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