Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here." Helium doesn't react.

 2220

1  

As an ion chromatography chemist I made this one up: Anions aren't negative, they're just misunderstood.

 2009

1  

Q: What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium? A: HeHe

 1172

0  

Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much? A: They're cheaper than day rates.

 585

0  

Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"

 1150

0