As an ion chromatography chemist I made this one up: Anions aren't negative, they're just misunderstood.

 1960

1  

Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"

 1067

0  

Q: Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar? A: He got Avogadro's number!

 2047

5  

Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.

 600

0  

Q: What is the chemical formula for "banana"? A: BaNa2

 923

0