Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
 1039
0  

Money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element. The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
 2500
1  

As an ion chromatography chemist I made this one up: Anions aren't negative, they're just misunderstood.
 1949
1  

Two chemists go into a restaurant. The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O." The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" - and he died.
 907
0  

A proton and a neutron are walking down the street. The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it." The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."
 2349
3