Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.

 414

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Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

 594

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Q: What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium? A: HeHe

 729

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As an ion chromatography chemist I made this one up: Anions aren't negative, they're just misunderstood.

 1797

1  

Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here." Helium doesn't react.

 1738

1