You are so old, you walked into an antique shop and they sold you.

An elderly patient needs a heart transplant and discusses his options with his doctor. The doctor says, ‘We have three possible donors. One is a young, healthy athlete. The second is a middleaged businessman who never drank or smoked, and the third is an attorney who just died after practising law for 30 years.’ ‘I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,’ says the patient. ‘Why?’ asks the doctor. The patient replies, ‘It’s never been used.’

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry." The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??" One of the other businessmen replies: "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals. Tired of it after several months, I said, “I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch.” “Fair enough. From now on I’ll make my own,” he replied. A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him after wards. “We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like,” he suggested. I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order. My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, “Separate ch ... read more

Q: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? A: Beat it. We're closed.