A kid asks his father: Kid: Daddy why do i have to go to bed? Dad: Because the bed wont come to you.

Q: What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A: A pedophile.

Our baby looks just like me. But that’s OK, as long as he’s healthy.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm pregnant and then I realize I would have to be like 19 months pregnant.

There was a father who called his 5 small children together. As the sat together in a circle on the floor the dad placed a toy in the middle. He explained to them that he won this toy as a door prize and he wanted to give it to one of them. He asked them "who is the most obedient?" Five sets of eyes looked up at him. Sensing that they didn’t understand the word he then asked, "ok, who always obeys mommy, and does everything she says?" One of the children picked up the toy and handed it to the father. "You win!" exclaimed the child.