How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator? Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.

What's the difference between a mosquito and a woman? When you slap a mosquito it stops sucking.

An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking. They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment. After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling. The old man is thinking, “Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her.” The old lady is thinking, “Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties.”

What do dogs and women have in common? They both like 12-inch bones.

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.