Stonehenge was made by Chuck Norris stacking blocks as a baby.

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Q: Why do you put babies into a blender feet first? A: So you can see the look in their eyes when you turn it on!

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My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

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The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

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Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up. The first one says, "I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here." The second one says, "I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here." The third one says, "I wanna be a boxer." The others look confused and ask, "Why do you want to be a boxer?" He proudly replies, "So I can beat the hell out of that rude bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us."

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