A frightened investor goes to his financial planner and asks if he’s at all worried about the volatility of the markets these days. The planner replies that he sure does! In fact, he says that he sleeps like a baby. The frightened investor was amazed! "Really? Even with all the fluctuations?" "Yup! I sleep for a couple of hours, and then I wake up and I cry for a couple of hours."

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What is funnier than a zombie baby hanging from a ceiling fan? Hitting it with a shovel when it comes around.

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When Chuck Norris was a baby he didnt have teddy bears. He had real bears.

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A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more that a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

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Nurse: "If youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half." Me: [visibly confused] Wife: "The grapes, not the baby."

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