What is the difference between a Russian optimist, pessimist and realist? The optimist studies English. The pessimist studies Chinese. The realist stays home and cleans his kalashnikov.

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Why do women make better soldiers? Because they can bleed for a week and not die.

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Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head. On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth. On his third day, he was issued a jock strap... The Army is still looking for him.

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At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture. "What a great realist that painter is!" he exclaimed. "What painter?" "The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'." "Yes, hut something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!" "That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!"

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Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb ? A: None. They can't turn them on anyway.

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