What do the latest Iphone 6 applications do? Whiten teeth and perform laser eye surgery!

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Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving. “Wait a minute,” she said. “I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”

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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

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When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris

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Yo' Mama is so fat, she has to use a telephone pole as a tampon.

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