Yo' Mama is so fat, she has to use a telephone pole as a tampon.

 304

2  

Me: Siri, why am I alone? Siri: *opens front facing camera*

 100

0  

Teens are at an awkward stage in their lives. They know how to make phone calls they just don't know how to end them.

 1272

1  

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

 370

0  

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!" I said, "£100 and it's yours."

 527

0