I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!" I said, "£100 and it's yours."

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Phone talk: "Is your boss there?" "No, he left on a trip." "A recovery trip, huh?" "I don’t think so... He took his wife with him!"

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What do you call a Scottish iPhone? An AyePhone.

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Teacher: "In 1940, what were the Poles doing in Russia?" Pupil: "Holding up the telegraph lines!"

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Your momma so fat when she step on the scales her phone number came up.

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