Turtle to turtle: "Don't ya just love the sound of rain on your roof?"

 326

0  

Wishing to prove to his wife that he loved her for more than sex, the young man bought her a lovely bouquet of roses. Despite his good intentions, however, the devoted husband received a suspicious look when he handed her the flowers. "I suppose," she said, "that now you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread." "Why?" said the young man. "Don't we have a vase?"

 355

0  

Q: Why do hipsters love ice? A: Because ice was water before it was cool.

 20103

9  

A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong. "Ohhh, it's my girlfriend." "What's the problem?" "When I asked her if she could learn to love me, she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education."

 658

0  

Happy Father's Day to someone who knew long before me that all the boys I brought home were jerks.

 1449

1