Lifting weights have really helped me with the ladies - the last five I raped didn't stand a chance.

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Q: What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve? A: I haven't seen you for a year!

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What's funnier than cancer? Most things, really.

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How do you stop an Iraqi tank? "Just shoot the guy that's pushing it!"

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What do you do if an epileptic falls in your pool? Throw in your laundry.

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