What has more brains than a dead baby? The wall behind it.

What’s the difference between a dead baby and an onion. You don’t cry when you chop up a dead baby.

So an old man, a Catholic priest, and a pedophile walk into a bar, and that's just one person!

Seven friends once pulled this at my college cafeteria. One put a hot water bottle filled with pea soup down his chest; he sat at the head of a table, with the other six friends sitting along the sides. When the cafeteria was pretty full of people, he made a loud noise (to attract attention), stood up, bent over and squeezed his chest. This caused a huge gush of green liquid to spew all over the table; the other six immediately began to eat this green liquid. I think a lot of food went uneaten that night.

What's the difference betwee Elton John and Princess Diana ? One's composing, the other is decomposing.