While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen. "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"

Mummy, mummy, why is daddy swaying in the backyard? Shut up, and give me more bullets.

I was walking down the street to a video store last night to rent a porno movie when I saw a woman being raped. Saved myself a fiver.

What happens if you upset a cannibal? You get into hot water.

How do you make a baby drink? Stick it in the blender.