My wife and I had been debating whether it was time to start a family when we saw a couple of cute kids, splashing and giggling in a paddling pool. I looked at her and said, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" She smiled and said, "Yes, Gary..." "That settles it, then," I replied. "We can't raise children if we're both paedos."

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Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.

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Q: Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend on the wall? A: To see her crack.

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I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend today. I had to drop the bomb two or three times before she finally got it.

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What's the difference between a dead baby and a table? You can't fuck a table.

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