Late in the night he regained consciousness. He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident. She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down." Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?" That, my friends, is a positive attitude!

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Two cannibals were having lunch. "Your wife makes a great soup," said one to the other. "Yes!" agreed the first. "But I'm going to miss her terribly."

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I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend today. I had to drop the bomb two or three times before she finally got it.

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Doctor to patient: "Why are you nervous?" Patient: "Because this is the first item I am going to have An operation." Doctor: "But I am not nervous though this is going to be my first operation."

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A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

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