I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Mother, "How was school today, Patrick?" Patrick, "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!" Mother, "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?" Patrick, "What school?"

A guy has a bad habit: He loves to hit pedestrians while he drives. So one day he's driving andsees an old lady with a cane and he decides to control his urge to swerve and hit her but he can't. Later, he sees a kid skating and can't resist hitting the kid. Finally, he decides he needs help from above so he goes to a church and asks the pastor for help. So after church, the pastor invites him to his house for lunch. They get in the car and start to drive down the street, and just as he starts to tell the pastor about his problem, he sees an old blind man walking down the street. He ... read more

Q: What's the difference between Jesus Christ and a painting of Jesus Christ? A: It only takes one nail to hang a painting.

Why are little girls better than little boys? Because when you're finished using them as little girls, you can turn them over and use them as little boys.