What's purple, covered in pus and squeals? A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

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My Girlfriend wanted me to treat her like a princess for her birthday. So I took her out, got her drunk, and crashed the car.

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How do you stop an Iraqi tank? "Just shoot the guy that's pushing it!"

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Guy having sex says "damn bitch, there should be a law against sex this good." To which the girl replies "I think there is daddy..."

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Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died. "You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God." Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

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