Being single is cool cause you can eat a whole jar of pepperoncinis and spend the rest of the night farting spicily into the abyss.

Santa leaves out cookies for Chuck Norris.

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day, the wife asked her husband, "Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?" The husband looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like Mr. Plumber?" A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" "What do I look like Mr. Goodwrench?" A couple weeks later, the wife found a leak in the roof. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof. Can you please fix it?" "What do I look like Bob Vila?" He sat down with a beer and wa ... read more

Q: Whats worse then finding half a worm in your apple? A: The Holocaust.

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we'd want to have dinner with.