I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!." As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. "What's the matter, madam?" he asked. "I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed. "There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"

Q: What's the difference between apple pie and pussy? A: You can eat Granmas apple pie.

Why did the gray whale go on a diet? Because he wasn't a Fin whale.

One elf said to another elf, "We had Grandma for Christmas dinner". And the other elf said, "Really? We had turkey!"

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator? A: "What are you shaking about, it's me she's going to eat."