An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head.
"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."
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What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
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When Chuck Norris got stung by a bee, the Bee had an allergic reaction called Chuck Norris.
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A man brings his cat to a veterinarian.
He lives the cat there and returns in two days, as preagreed.
He asks the veterinarian:
Is my cat still alive?
Still not...
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A mailman meets a boy and a huge dog.
‘Does your dog bite?’ asks the mailman.
‘No,’ replies the boy.
And the dog bites the mailman’s leg.
‘You said he doesn’t bite!’ yells the mailman.
‘That’s not my dog,’ replies the boy.