"Waiter, what is this hare doing in my salad?" "I believe he's eating your lettuce."

 168

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I was just told that my dog chased someone on a bicycle and bit him. That's bullshit, my dog can't even ride a bicycle.

 267

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Yo mama so ugly that when she delivered a little baby after birth the baby saw mum and screamed "It's a gorilla!".

 413

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A old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed. Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

 146

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Chuck Norris doesn't play dead for bears, bears play dead for Chuck Norris.

 221

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