A guy walks into a store. He goes up to the clerk and holds up his hand. In his hand he's holding a big pile of crap. He looks at the clerk with the biggest expression of relief and says, "Whew, that was close. Look what I almost stepped in."

 156

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A woman finds out that her husband is cheating on her, so she decides to leave him a present. When he gets home, he finds an empty house, a bowl of cookies, and a video. He scarfs down the cookies, and pops in the video. On TV, he sees his wife sucking his best friend's d**k. He comes in her mouth, and she immediately spits the jizz into a bowl of cookie dough. Then she turns to the camera. "Oh, hello, I want a divorce."

 631

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Why do women always fart only when they go to the bathroom? They have to blow dry—and there's nothing to shake.

 414

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What's the warmest organ in a dead woman's body? My dick.

 161

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Q: What's the ultimate rejection? A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

 453

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