Silence is golden. Unless you have an infant. Then its probably blue.

How did Captain Hook die? He wiped his bum with the wrong hand!

A Guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says, "I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play." The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus' owner pockets the fifty bucks. The next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus' owner. The bar owner has been watching all this and disappe ... read more

Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? A: Pick it up and suck it's dick.

A man took a poop in a gas station and then realized there was no toilet paper. There was a hole in the wall and a sign above it that read: "When you go to the bathroom, wipe yourself with your index finger, stick it through this hole and it will be thoroughly cleaned." The man did exactly what the sign said, but when he stuck his finger through the hole, someone at the other side slapped two bricks together against his finger and because of the pain he stuck his finger in his mouth and started to suck on it.