What's green and eats nuts? Syphilis.
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Q: How do you know you're in a vampire bar? A: There's a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary.
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Dan staggers into the shower. He notices that his d**k is bright orange. He feels normal, but he's concerned and goes to the doctor. After a thorough examination, the doctor says, "You seem to be fine and all of the tests are normal. Did you do anything out of the ordinary over the weekend?" Dan says, "No. All I did was stay home, watch porno movies and eat Cheetos."
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Why can't girls play hockey? Because their pads can't last three periods.
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Why do babies have a soft spot in their heads? So you can pick them up five at a time
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