A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No," says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

An FBI agent was interviewing a bank teller after the bank had been robbed 3 times by the same bandit: "Did you notice anything special about the man?" asks the agent. "Yes," replied the teller. "He was better dressed each time."

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. ... read more

A policeman stops two drunks and asks one, "Where do you live?" "Nowhere", the first drunk replied. "And where do you live?", he asks the other. "We're neighbours."

This guy calls his wife at work and says, "Don't worry, I'm fine and the damage is minimal." She says, "Oh my gosh, what happened?" He says, "I was coming back from lunch and a bird hit my car windshield." "How much damage did it do?" she asked. "Minimal, however I did get a ticket." "A ticket how did you get that?" "Well, I managed to reach the bird through the window and throw it behind me, however it hit the windshield of the car behind me. It was a highway patrol car and the officer gave me a ticket." "What for?" she asked, "Damaging his windshield?" "No, for flipping him the bir ... read more