Get bad marks, relatives will insult you. Get good marks, friends will insult you.

Benefits of having Alzheimer's: You can wrap your own presents. You are always meeting new friends.

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: 1 ... read more

So I heard the reason Usain Bolt is so fast is because his offseason training consists of going back home and hitting on dudes.

A man returns home and find his wife with his best friend. He takes out the gun and shoots his friend to death. His wife: "Listen, if you stay in such character, you will lose all your friends."