My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.

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Benefits of having Alzheimer's: You can wrap your own presents. You are always meeting new friends.

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When I offer you food it's just because my mother raised me right. As a firend, read the truth in my eyes and politely decline.

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Bro, send me some good jokes. Sorry, now I'm busy with my Girlfriend. Good One! Send me more.

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Two friends were walking through the woods when they thought they heard something. They turned around and saw a big black bear coming towards them. Both men started to run when one of them stopped to change into tennis shoes. The second man said "You don't have time to change shoes. You can't outrun that bear!" The first man said, "I know I can't outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you"!

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