Get bad marks, relatives will insult you. Get good marks, friends will insult you.

 4440

1  

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap. He was high on my list of priorities.

 3257

1  

(A) You are not Tom Cruise, (B) The guns may stop working at the last moment, (C) The Enemy is 1000 times intelligent than you, (D) Your family might not like the amount of compensation on your behalf (E) Just remember, "the safest way to win over your enemies is by making them your friends!"

 923

2  

Benefits of having Alzheimer's: You can wrap your own presents. You are always meeting new friends.

 1378

0  

I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits. Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.

 787

3