When my daughter asked me what to buy her friends for graduation presents. I suggested morning-after pills and bus passes.

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Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap. He was high on my list of priorities.

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(A) You are not Tom Cruise, (B) The guns may stop working at the last moment, (C) The Enemy is 1000 times intelligent than you, (D) Your family might not like the amount of compensation on your behalf (E) Just remember, "the safest way to win over your enemies is by making them your friends!"

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Bro, send me some good jokes. Sorry, now I'm busy with my Girlfriend. Good One! Send me more.

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So I heard the reason Usain Bolt is so fast is because his offseason training consists of going back home and hitting on dudes.

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