A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.” The friend says, “Why not?” The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he irritatingly answered, going out the door to the office. At 11 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a bouquet of red roses. At 2 PM, a two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful ‘Independence day' in all my life!"

I got really love sick the other day working away from home. Went to the doctors and they said it was chlamydia.

Wife to her husband: "I told you I'll be back in five minutes, so why you are calling me every half an hour?"

What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? About 40 lb.