A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you’ll have to come back in six months for a follow-up." "Oh, no.”" the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don’t want to have to come back." The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up and they disappear." "That’s what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let’s do that." Six months later the lady c ... read more

What do women and police cars have in common? They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

A woman finds out that her husband is cheating on her, so she decides to leave him a present. When he gets home, he finds an empty house, a bowl of cookies, and a video. He scarfs down the cookies, and pops in the video. On TV, he sees his wife sucking his best friend's d**k. He comes in her mouth, and she immediately spits the jizz into a bowl of cookie dough. Then she turns to the camera. "Oh, hello, I want a divorce."

Question: Why do men die before their wives? Answer: Because they want to.

Question: What should a man do if his wife runs into the room during a baseball match and keeps disturbing you? Answer: Shorten the chain.