An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply. "For Heavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS! At 4 A.M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

A Russian captain is trying to explain to his comrades the effects of atomic bombs: "Now, imagine 20 no, 40, no... a 100 cases of vodka and noone to drink them!"

What is the difference between pressure, anxiety and panic attacks? You have pressure when your wife is pregnant. You are anxious when your girlfriend is pregnant. You have panic attacks when both of them are pregnant!

Waiter, what is this stuff? That's bean salad sir. I know what it's been, but what is it now?

What do you find in a clean nose? Fingerprints!