Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

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Boss: "This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?" Me: "That it's only Wednesday."

 99

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Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat. The government hates competition.

 333

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A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''

 204

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Q: What do you call a woman with no a**hole? A: Divorced.

 162

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