The Dove Bar's like an 80-pound wad of chocolate on a toothpick. If you're not careful when you take it out of the package, you'll snap your wrists.

I did so much crack, one day I broke in my own house. I ain't lying. I was halfway out the door with the TV before I realized it was my place. And before I broke in, I used to stand outside and case the joint. Finally, I said, "Damn, this brother will never come home!"

Somebody knocks on door: Who is there? Police? What do you want? We want to talk. How many of you are there? Two. So talk with each other.

A poor minister was having trouble managing his church. The income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, the air conditioning didn't work, and the church didn't have the funds for any repairs. The minister got a brilliant idea. He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to cover. At the next service, he took out a watch and chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance. He said, "I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the plate." They did, and he had the church's roof fixed that week. This worked so wel ... read more

Texan: "Where are you from?" Harvard Graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end sentences with prepositions." Texan: "Okay — where are you from, jackass?"