A man goes skydiving. After a fantastic free fall he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens. He tries everything but can't get it open. Just then another man flies by him, going UP. The skydiver yells, "Hey, you know anything about parachutes? The man replies, "No, you know anything about gas stoves?

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Patient: "Doctor, do you think that I shall live until I am ninety?" Doctor: "How old are you now?" Patient: "40" Doctor: "Do you drink, gamble, smoke or do you have any other vice?" Patient: "No. I don’t drink. I don’t gamble. I don’t smoke. I have no vice." Doctor: "Then why do you want to live for another fifty years?"

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My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.

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Doc, I think I need to wear glasses Indeed you have to, you are in a bank.

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Songs are not going to make us do anything we would not ordinarily do. Because if that was the case, the song "Achy Breaky Heart" would have made me kill somebody about a year ago.

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