That awkward moment when somebody is doing dishes and you put another dish in the sink.

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But In the end, it doesn't even matter.

Religion is a lot more like politics. The only difference is that with religion you get to confess your own sins.

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?!" "Well," said the guy, "you see, I’m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can’t help practicing my art!" "That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

Q: Why do Republicans avoid living on the West Coast? A: They're scared to live that close to the edge of the Earth.