'My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''

 159

0  

Chuck Norris has only used the 'Total Gym' twice in his life. When his eyes are open - and when they are closed.

 508

0  

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

 530

0  

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray this cushy life to keep. I pray for toys that look like mice, And sofa cushions, soft and nice. I pray for gourmet kitty snacks, And someone nice to scratch my back, For windowsills all warm and bright, For shadows to explore at night. I pray I'll always stay real cool And keep the secret feline rule To never tell a human that The world is really ruled by cats!

 1877

0  

Chuck Norris can press "Pause" on reality.

 127

0