The government shutdown has officially lasted longer than any of Taylor Swift's relationships.
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A hound dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a jogger asks. The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, "Nope." As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger's legs. As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" The old man mutters, "Ain't my dog."
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Patient: Doc I keep on forgetting things. Doctor: Since when did you have these problems? Patient: What problems?
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If you majored in fine arts or philosophy, you have good reason to be worried. The only place you are now really qualified to get a job is in Ancient Greece.
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What's a skunk's philosophy of life? Eat, stink and be merry.
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