Why wasn't Jesus born in Tennessee? They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin...

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If my main parachute doesn't open and my reserve parachute doesn't open, how long till i hit the ground? The rest of your life...

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Kanye West compared himself to Michelangelo, Picasso, Walt Disney and Steve Jobs. Apparently none of them could sing, either.

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At a all-you-can-eat restaurant Josh came back to the table, his plate full for the fifth time. “Josh!” exclaimed his mother. “Doesn’t it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?” “Not a bit,” said Josh, “I just tell them I’m filling up the plate for you!”

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Life is like a box of chocolates: A lot of people can't stand the dark ones.

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