Chuck Norris like life... lucky her.

How do you caculate the population of Russia? You roll a bottle of vodka down the street.

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

Every night I play a game called "Should I pee or can I hold it till morning".

What has a head, a tail, and no body? A coin!