Patient: Doc I keep on forgetting things. Doctor: Since when did you have these problems? Patient: What problems?

How did Nicki Minaj know what Lil Wayne is giving her for Christmas? Lil Wayne isn't very good at wrapping.

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply. "For Heavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS! At 4 A.M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist.

Priest: Kim, do you take Kanye to be your lawfully wedded husband to love and cherish? Kim: I.. *Kanye grabs mic* Kanye: She do.