Me: I just bought Tupacs of Eminems for 50 Cents. Friend: That's Ludacris. How Kanye West your money like that?

‘Why don’t oysters give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.’ Jay Leno

Q: How was copper wire invented? A: Two jews fighting over a penny.

The government recently noticed that it had too many generals in the army and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between any two points he chose. The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000. The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes 8 feet. He walked away wit ... read more

He was so mean he used to give his children £1 each instead of an evening meal, then charged them £2 for breakfast.