Happy Father's Day to the top three most likely candidates.

 1792

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Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.

 1694

1  

Me: "I'm so lonely." Person: "Hey!" Me: "Leave me alone."

 1367

1  

Q: What's the difference between me and a calendar? A: A calendar has dates.

 1864

1  

Being single is cool cause you can eat a whole jar of pepperoncinis and spend the rest of the night farting spicily into the abyss.

 1567

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