Sometimes I wonder if I'm pregnant and then I realize I would have to be like 19 months pregnant.

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Happy Father's Day to the top three most likely candidates.

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"You're single and I'm single too! You know what that means?" "What" "We're both ugly!"

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Me: "I'm so lonely." Person: "Hey!" Me: "Leave me alone."

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Being single is cool cause you can eat a whole jar of pepperoncinis and spend the rest of the night farting spicily into the abyss.

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