Chuck Norris used to be a soccer referee. He lost the job after giving penalties to the players: Death Penalty.

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A couple of years ago the english national team was about to start training in preparation for an important qualifying match when the manager at the time, Sven-Goran Eriksson, discovered a big turd in one of the penalty areas on the practice pitch. Ok boys, he said, who's shit on the ground? Emile Heskey replied: "Me coach, but I'm good in the air!"

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Police have found the body of a man in the Thames wearing a Chelsea shirt, womens underwear, fishnet stockings, suspenders and with an extra large dildo stuck up his arse. They have removed the Chelsea shirt to save the family any embarrassment ...

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During the soccer match little Johny sits in the front row. His friend asks: How did you get tickets? From my brother - respond Petya. And where is your brother? At home. Looking for his ticket.

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Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common?  A: Put either of 'em in a car and they're fucked.

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