A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly. Suddenly, Lorraine died. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

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A guy finally got tickets to the Super Bowl, but his seats were in the nosebleed section -- but he didn't care, he had always dreamed of going to the Super Bowl. So he wants to find a seat closer to where he can see better. He finds this seat toward the front and he asks the guy next to it whether anyone is sitting there. The guy replies, "No, because my wife just died." "Well," says the first man, "why didn't you just bring a friend or relative?" The guy replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."

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I used to hate weddings, all the old ladies would prod me and say "you'll be next!" They soon stopped that, when I started saying it to them at funerals !

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Chuck Norris's tombstone will say, "He's finally taking a nap, do not wake."

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Q: What's the slowest thing on 80 wheels? A: A Mexican funeral with only two sets of jumper cables.

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