A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid," answered the woman. "We don’t have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm…she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she’s with." The maid puts down the phone. ... read more

What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common? There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same.

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do ... read more

Doctor: "Tell your wife not to worry about the slight deafness. It is only an indication of old age." Husband: "Doctor, would you yourself please tell this to her?"

Girl: why am I still single? Brain: you're weird as shit. Body: and you're fat. Face: plus you're pretty ugly. Food: Don't worry babe, I'm here for you.