If God is a woman then we're all going to go to Hell, but we'll never know why.

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A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head. 'What are you doing dear?' 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females' 'How do you know what sex they were?' The man very confidently replied, "Easy - 3 were on the beer and 2 were on the phone."

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Question: Why do men fart more than women? Answer: Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.

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HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her. HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN Arrive naked... with beer.

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A young woman for whom a marriage with an old man was being arranged by her parents refused to go through with the ceremony because as she put it, " I don't want to feel old age creeping on me!"

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