Q: What's the difference between death and taxes? A: Congress doesn't meet every year to make death worse.

You could give me 37 years to do homework and I still wouldn't do it until the night before.

It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!" So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks. The sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly... The captain comes along with his swagger stick. He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it. ... read more

Michael Jackson does moonwalk because he doesn't have time to turn and run away from Chuck Norris.

Roses are red lemons are sour. Open your legs and give me an hour.