Yo momma's so old if she were a car it would be time to roll back her odometer.

 12286

3  

Scientists called it a big bang, Chuck Norris called it an alarm clock.

 56

0  

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."

 4257

2  

You could give me 37 years to do homework and I still wouldn't do it until the night before.

 3560

1  

A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. "Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."

 748

0