What did the egg say to the boiling water? "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

Chuck Norris doesn't check the time - he decides it.

Chuck Norris told his iPhone 2g it was a iPhone 4. He can now multi task and use face time.

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

My girlfriend is like February 30th, she doesn't exist.