Q: How much does a hipster weigh? A: An instagram

Peter: "Your secretary is very sexy..." Tony: "Thanks! It's a robot actually, named 'Maria'. If you squeeze her right boob, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left boob, she types letters! I'll Lend it to you for a day & you can see her functions..." Next day Peter called Tony from hospital & shouted: "You bastard!" You didn't tell me that the "HOLE" between Maria's legs is a pencil sharpener.

A blonde walks into a electronic store and asks the manager, “Can I buy that TV” “No” “Why not?” “Because your a blonde.” So the blonde goes out and dyes her hair red. She returned to the electronic store and said, “Can I buy that TV?” “No” “Why not?” “Your a blonde.” So the blonde goes and shaves her hair off and returns to the electronic store and says, “Can I buy that TV?” “No” “Why not?” “You’re a blonde” “How can you tell I’m a blonde, I dyed my hair red, then shaved it off!” “Because that’s not a TV, that’s a microwave!”

Back in my day, we didn't watch TV while we ate dinner. We actually talked to each other. It was awful!

Chuck Norris can comment on Facebook posts, before you publish them.