The average speed of ejaculation is 45km/h, which is probably why I was arrested for doing it outside a school.

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A man comes home from a hard day of work only to find his wife laying infront of the fire place with her legs wide open. He asked, "Honey what are you doing?" She replied, "I'm heating up your dinner."

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Question: Why do women close their eyes during sex? Answer: They can’t stand seeing a man have a good time.

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An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, “That’s no problem. How many do you want?” The man answered, “Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces.” The doctor said, “That won’t do you any good.” The elderly gentleman said, “That’s all right. I don’t need them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t pee on my shoes.”

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Chuck Norris always has s*x on the bottom. Because he never f*cks up.

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