When the President pushes the big red button, Chuck Norris's cell phone rings.

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane. The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United Stat ... read more

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are on the same plane. The plane crashes. Who survives? America.

It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

Yo mama's so fat that even Barack Obama couldn't afford to take her out to dinner.