If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could rob a bank. By phone.
 293
0  

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
 395
0  

When the President pushes the big red button, Chuck Norris's cell phone rings.
 457
0  

Me: Siri, why am I alone? Siri: *opens front facing camera*
 107
0  

Yo momma so fat when she stepped on the scale it came up with my phone number.
 184
0