A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!” “How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her. “I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!” Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?” “It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde. The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, we have to be sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

Q: How do you make your wife scream while having sex? A: Call her and tell her.

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one wil ... read more

Little Johnny had just returned from his summer break and gone back to school. Three days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving. "Hold on," she said. "I had Johnny with me for the entire summer and I never called you once when he misbehaved."