Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving. “Wait a minute,” she said. “I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”

 421

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A blonde was driving down the motorway when her car phone rang. It was her husband, urgently warning her, “Honey, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please be careful!” “It’s not just one car!” said the blonde. “There’s f*ck*ng hundreds of them!”

 307

1  

Did you hear about the music app that is preloaded on every iPhone 6 plus? GarageBend.

 282

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Yo momma so fat when she stepped on the scale it came up with my phone number.

 132

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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

 1440

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