I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

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Listening to censored hip-hop is like going to a whore for a hug.

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Taylor swift: so he calls me up and he's all like "I still love you" and I'm like... Wait, is this Connor, Patrick, Joe, Luca, Taylor, John, Cory, Toby, Jake, Garret, Eddie, or Harry?

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Chuck Norris created Heavy Metal when he was upset.

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The beatles originally said they were "Bigger than Chuck Norris", John Lennon was simply a warning.

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