A guy was talking with his friend: I’ve managed to separate from my wife in common agreement: she gets the house and I get the car and desk. Ok, but how about your finances? The lawyer takes care of those...

I’ve just come into some money. I wonder if they’ll still accept it at the shop?

We have our water metered and it’s very expensive. The other day the house was on fire and we didn’t know whether it would be cheaper to let it burn.

I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said "1 dollar for dirty joke." Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: "Alright sir whats your name?" Me: "John" Homeless man: "So Johny, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have." Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on ... read more

Harry’s so cheap, he didn’t buy his wife a pearl necklace, he got her a length of string and told her to start a collection.