A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment. And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50.

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs from her. When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank!

A wife tells her husband while watching a Mexican TV series: "Look, how much he loves her…" "Yes. But do you know how much he's being paid for that?"