A guy is driving his car and finds a friend crying, sitting on the road. He stops. And he asks him: - Hey, What happens to you? - (crying) Look! and he points a crashed car. - Well, don't care and buy another car. - Look inside the car! - Well, don't care and get another blonde, and that's all. - Look inside her mouth!!!

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Never borrow money from optimists – they always expect to get it back.

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An old woman goes in to a sex shop, shaking. "Sir," she says in a shaky voice, "do you sell vibrators?" "Yes, ma'am." "And are they this big around and this long?" she asks in a shaky voice. "Yes, ma'am." "And they're $22.95?" she asks in a shaky voice. "Yes, ma'am." "How do you turn them off?"

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My uncle is very mean. I went round the other day and found him stripping the wallpaper. He wasn’t redecorating, he was moving.

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I got this antique watch from my grandfather on his deathbed – he put up one hell of a fight for it.

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