My uncle is very mean. I went round the other day and found him stripping the wallpaper. He wasn’t redecorating, he was moving.

Happy Father's Day! I got you a present but if you want to get technical then technically you bought it. By the way, can I borrow $20?

On a famous TV game show a blonde contestant needed only to answer one more question. One simple question stood between her and the Ł1.000 prize. "To be today's champion," the show's host smiled, "name two of Santa's reindeer." The blonde gave a sigh of relief because she had been given such an easy question. "Rudolph!" she said confidently, "and... Olive!" The studio audience started to applaud (as the little sign above their heads said to do) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?! ... read more

Yo' Mama is so poor, when I asked where her bathroom was, she said, "Fourth bottle from the left."

Don’t spend money having your shirts laundered. Donate them to a charity shop, then when they’ve cleaned them, buy them back.