Harry to Tom: ‘My uncle died last week. Left me sod all.’ Tom: ‘Wow. Sod Hall. How many rooms has it got?’

 148

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Ronnie goes to the auction. He notices a parrot that was on auction. Ronnie decides to bid for it and so Ronnie starts off with 50 Dollars. Auctioneer: 50 Dollars Voice: 100 Dollars Ronnie: 200 Dollars Voice: 300 Dollars Ronnie: 400 Dollars Voice: 750 Dollars Ronnie: 800 Dollars Auctioneer 800 going once, twice and the parrot is sold. Ronnie to the Auctioneer "I hope this Parrot can speak as I have spent a lot of money on it." Auctioneer Laughing: "Who do you think was Bidding against you.

 570

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A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would there be any "we" in the first place."

 634

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If I won the Lottery, I wouldn’t be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I’d make my boss’s life a living hell for a week or two first.

 161

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‘A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.’ Bob Hope

 184

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