How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.

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An exhausted hunter out in the woods stumbled across another hunter. Hunter 1: "Am I glad to see you, I've been lost for three days." Hunter 2: "Don't get too excited, friend, I've been lost for three weeks."

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts." The doctor asks, "What do you mean?" The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts." The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you. You've broken your finger!"

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Why do men buy electric lawn mowers? So they can find their way back to the house.

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Did you hear about the man who got a vasectomy at Sears? Now every time he gets excited, the garage door goes up.

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