When I offer you food it's just because my mother raised me right. As a firend, read the truth in my eyes and politely decline.

 4175

1  

Q: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? A: Beat it. We're closed.

 1544

0  

An IRS agent is lying on his psychiatrist's couch bemoaning the fact that everyone in the world hates him. "Nonsense", says his doctor. "Everyone in the world doesn't hate you. Everyone in the United States, perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the world."

 11782

8  

The wild and mean bear grabs the hedgehog and asks him: "Were you at the fox’s party as well?" "Yes, I was. So what?" "Were you sitting on the table?" "Yeah, why?" The bear, ready to leg press him, changes his mind and says to the hedgehog: "Next time, wherever you go, take an umbrella with you!" "But why, my friend?" the hedgehog wonders. "Cause all night long, I was taking thorns off my ass!"

 833

0  

I was wondering why air is so polluted. Then I remembered people saying "Love is in the air". Now it makes sense.

 3836

1