Chuck Norris only mast*rbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
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Dad: Hey son, if you keep masturbating your going to go blind.
Son: Dad im over here.
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Yo' Mama is so skanky, her dildo came with jumper cables.
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While talking to girl:
"Hey, I heard an interesting stat the other day. They said that 80% of women masturbate in the shower. Know what the other 20% do?"
"No, what?"
"Yea, I figured you were in the first group."
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Chuck Norris does not masturbate, because there is no greater pleasure than being Chuck Norris.