Chuck Norris does not masturbate, because there is no greater pleasure than being Chuck Norris.

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An old woman goes in to a sex shop, shaking. "Sir," she says in a shaky voice, "do you sell vibrators?" "Yes, ma'am." "And are they this big around and this long?" she asks in a shaky voice. "Yes, ma'am." "And they're $22.95?" she asks in a shaky voice. "Yes, ma'am." "How do you turn them off?"

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A man is at the optometrist getting his eyes checked. "You need to stop masturbating so much," the optometrist says. "Why?" asks the man. "Is it going to make me go blind?" The optometrist looks around and says "no, but it's making the other patients very uncomfortable."

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Q: What's the ultimate rejection? A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

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Q: How do you cancel an appointment at a sperm bank? A: Tell them you can't cum.

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