An old woman wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy. The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 10 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 10 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave. The wife smiles, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!"

I met a sista once who told me she could tell how good a brotha is in bed simply by the way he opens the door to his apartment. So, I asked her how. She said if that brotha fumbles with the keys, that means he doesn't know what he's doing. If he opens the door too quick, means he's too fast and he's a total waste of time. But if that brotha opens the door with a smooth, controlled movement, that means he's real good in bed. Then she asked me how I open the door to my apartment. I told her, "Honey, I lick the lock first."

If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first? The dog – at least he would shut up once he was in.