Marriage is spending the rest of you life with someone you want to kill and not doing it because you'd miss them.

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A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car. ‘What’s up?’ says the driver. ‘Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back,’ says the policeman. ‘Thank goodness for that,’ says the driver. ‘I thought I’d gone deaf.’

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A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, "Not tonight dear I have a headache." The man replied, "Is that your final answer"? She said, "Yes." ...He said. "Ok, then, I'd like to phone a friend."

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Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women? A: Because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you.

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A lot of things have changed in my life since I got to know that my girlfriend got pregnant. My name, living address, phone number...

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