An old mountaineer and his young ex-wife were fighting over custody of their children. The mother protested that since she brought her kids into this world, she should retain custody of them. The judge asked the old mountaineer for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and asked, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

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A little boy says, ‘Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.’ ‘Son,’ says the dad. ‘That happens everywhere.’

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Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

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Wife to husband: ‘Let’s go out and have some fun tonight!’ Husband: ‘Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on.’

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Whats the difference between married men and parking spaces? Nothing all the good ones are taken.

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