In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth... After that, everything else was Made in China.

 695

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When do cannibals cook you? On Fried-days.

 83

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Three boys walk through the woods and suddenly hear cries for help. They follow the sound to the lake and see George W. Bush drowning. The boys jump into the water and drag him to shore. Bush asks the boys how he can repay them. The first boy says, "I want a boat." The second boy says, "I want a truck." The third boy says, "I want a nice tombstone." Bush asks, "Why is that?" The boy says, "Because when my dad finds out I helped save you, he's going to kill me."

 493

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Sometimes, during the movie previews, I'll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, "We should really go see that together."

 166

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How do you know when an Asian breaks into your home? Your house is clean, your computer is fixed, and their still pulling out of your driveway.

 337

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