I'm trying to write a joke about overdosing on cocaine. But I need a line to end it.

 433

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The government shutdown has officially lasted longer than any of Taylor Swift's relationships.

 551

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Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!

 604

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Waiter, what is this stuff? That's bean salad sir. I know what it's been, but what is it now?

 184

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The fastest dialog in the world: (WC door is opening) Man inside: Heyyy! Man outside: Sorryyy!

 159

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