If you can't say something nice, say it in French.

At the grammy awards Beyonce said to Justin Bieber, "What song would u sing of mine justin?" Justin said, "If I were a boy."

There was three people approaching the gates of heaven But there was only one place left. The gate keeper asked the first man what happened to him because the one with the worst death would go inn. The first man said: "Well imagine that I expected my wife was having an affair, so I got home early to surprise her. I found her in the bathroom with a towel round her so I knew she wasn't having a shower so I search the apartment and found 10 fingers hanging from the window sill. So I started bashing away at them. When he fell god must have loved him, because he lived. So I threw a refrigerator ... read more

You ever accidentally go up to a real big fat person, and you accidentally ask them for a good place to eat? And they look at you and say they don't know. And you're looking at them, like, 'You do know. I bet if I follow you for an hour, we gonna be eatin'. '

The Dove Bar's like an 80-pound wad of chocolate on a toothpick. If you're not careful when you take it out of the package, you'll snap your wrists.