Bruce lee does not drink water, he drinks WATAAAA.

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Q: Why did Mexico send only a couple thousand Mexicans to fight in the Alamo? A: Because they only had 4 trucks.

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My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

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A couple was touring the capitol in Washington, DC, and the guide pointed out a tall, benevolent gentleman as the congressional chaplain. The lady asked, "What does the chaplain do? Does he pray for the Senate or House?" The guide answered, "No, he gets up, looks at both houses of Congress, then prays for the country!"

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A man goes skydiving. After a fantastic free fall he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens. He tries everything but can't get it open. Just then another man flies by him, going UP. The skydiver yells, "Hey, you know anything about parachutes? The man replies, "No, you know anything about gas stoves?

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