A guy was talking with his friend: I’ve managed to separate from my wife in common agreement: she gets the house and I get the car and desk. Ok, but how about your finances? The lawyer takes care of those...

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What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? The bucket.

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A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said... 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

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Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.

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Lawyer: “Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?” Client: “After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.”

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