A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"

Why don’t you see lawyers on the beach? Cats keep covering them with sand.

Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? A: The accountant knows he's boring.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One’s a scum-sucking bottom dweller, the other’s a fish!

Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.