Chuck Norris once gave a man the Hiemlich Manuever. That man still holds the record for most bones broken.

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Q: What's meaner than a pit bull with herpes? A: The guy who gave it to him.

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Q: Did you hear about the new Viagra eye-drops? A: Apparently they make you look hard.

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Teacher (on phone): "You say Michael has a cold and can't come to school today? To whom am I speaking?" Voice: "This is my father."

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Patient: "Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. What can I do?" Doctor: "Use a pencil till I come to see your son."

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