Monahan stumbled into a saloon, half crocked. "Say," he said to the bartender, "how tall is a penguin?" "About two and a half feet." "Thank God!" cried Monahan. "I thought I ran over a nun!"

A grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

A zebra has wondered his whole life whether he was a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes. When he dies and goes to heaven he asks God the question "Am I a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes?" God responds, "You are what you are" The zebra goes to his friends and tells them what God had said and that he still doesn't know the answer to his question. One of his friends says, "Well, that means you are a white zebra with black stripes" The zebra asks him why and the friend says, "Because otherwise God would have said 'You is what ... read more

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

A man walks into his bedroom after work and is surprised to find his wife lying naked on the bed. After careful examination, he spies a pair of bare feet sticking out from underneath the curtains. He rips open the blinds to find a naked man standing there. "Who the hell are you?" he yells. The naked guy replies, "I'm the moth inspector." "Oh, yeah? What are you doing naked?" He looks down and exclaims, "Oh my God, I'm too late!"