So I heard the reason Usain Bolt is so fast is because his offseason training consists of going back home and hitting on dudes.

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I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits. Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.

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I kind a feel sorry for Hitler. Looking back at some old photos of him, his friends always left him hanging when he went for a high-five.

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Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

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You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

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