Get bad marks, relatives will insult you. Get good marks, friends will insult you.

 4379

1  

When my daughter asked me what to buy her friends for graduation presents. I suggested morning-after pills and bus passes.

 1390

0  

When I offer you food it's just because my mother raised me right. As a firend, read the truth in my eyes and politely decline.

 4193

1  

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day. "Yes," came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, "I've bought her a belt and a bag." "That was very kind of you," Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought." Tony smiled as he replied, "So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now."

 1958

0  

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

 1955

0