When my daughter asked me what to buy her friends for graduation presents. I suggested morning-after pills and bus passes.

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I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits. Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.

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You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

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When I offer you food it's just because my mother raised me right. As a firend, read the truth in my eyes and politely decline.

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So I heard the reason Usain Bolt is so fast is because his offseason training consists of going back home and hitting on dudes.

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