When my daughter asked me what to buy her friends for graduation presents. I suggested morning-after pills and bus passes.

 1549

0  

Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory." Friend: "What did he do?" Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."

 1545

1  

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

 2235

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I kind a feel sorry for Hitler. Looking back at some old photos of him, his friends always left him hanging when he went for a high-five.

 23385

4  

My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.

 1803

1