When my daughter asked me what to buy her friends for graduation presents. I suggested morning-after pills and bus passes.

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(A) You are not Tom Cruise, (B) The guns may stop working at the last moment, (C) The Enemy is 1000 times intelligent than you, (D) Your family might not like the amount of compensation on your behalf (E) Just remember, "the safest way to win over your enemies is by making them your friends!"

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I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits. Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.

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Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike? A. They are fun to ride but you don't want your friends to find out.

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'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."

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