Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap. He was high on my list of priorities.

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When I offer you food it's just because my mother raised me right. As a firend, read the truth in my eyes and politely decline.

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Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

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I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits. Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.

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Get bad marks, relatives will insult you. Get good marks, friends will insult you.

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