Get bad marks, relatives will insult you. Get good marks, friends will insult you.

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Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

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When my daughter asked me what to buy her friends for graduation presents. I suggested morning-after pills and bus passes.

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"What shall we play today?" said Florence to her best friend Jenny. "Let's play schools," said Jenny. "OK!" said Florence. "But I'm going to be absent."

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