A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time. "How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died." "Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband." "He died of a broken neck." "A broken neck?" "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

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When I offer you food it's just because my mother raised me right. As a firend, read the truth in my eyes and politely decline.

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Chuck Norris boils an egg by holding it.

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Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.

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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I'm eating here."

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