Things Your Wife Won't Say: The smell of beer on your breath drives me wild. I'm bored. Let's shave the p***y. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. Let's get a good porno movie, a case of beer, and make an afternoon of it. God, if I don't blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust! I only signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head. Let's subscribe to Hustler. Let's take pictures so your friends will believe you. Honey, our neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again. Come see! Awesome fart! Do another one!

Q. How do you know when you are getting old? A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Yo' Mama is so fat, when she farts, it comes out at the ankles of her tight-ass jeans.

How do you know when a blonde has a brain fart? Her ears flap.

Q. Why don't little girls fart? A. Because they don't get assholes until they're married.