Things Your Wife Won't Say: The smell of beer on your breath drives me wild. I'm bored. Let's shave the p***y. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. Let's get a good porno movie, a case of beer, and make an afternoon of it. God, if I don't blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust! I only signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head. Let's subscribe to Hustler. Let's take pictures so your friends will believe you. Honey, our neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again. Come see! Awesome fart! Do another one!

Husband: Shall we try a new positon tonight? Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board, and I'll sit on the couch while drinking beer and farting.

If I wanted to hear from an a**hole I would fart.

Yo' Mama is so nasty, her farts are classified as biological weapons.

Why do women always fart only when they go to the bathroom? They have to blow dry—and there's nothing to shake.