What bounces up and down at 100mph?
A baby tied to the back of a truck.
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Why are contipated folks unkind and rude?
Cause they don't give a crap!
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Q: What do parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A: You push them both aside when you eat.
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What's red and lies in all four corners of the room?
A baby that's been playing with a chainsaw.
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Three old men were sitting on a porch.
"I wish I could take a healthy piss," said one.
"I wish I could take a healthy crap," said another.
"I can take a crap at 6 AM and a piss at 11 AM. I just wish I could get up before noon."