What do you call a chicken that crosses the road without looking both ways? "Dead."

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates." The Irishman started searching desper ... read more

When Death knocked on Chuck Norris’s door, Chuck Norris laughed. Death is now Chuck Norris’s B*tch.

The best part of waking up is not the Folgers in your cup, it's knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.