Chuck Norris went an hour without killing... just to kill some time.
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Chuck Norris' Facebook status has a dislike button...nobody clicks it.
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The best part of waking up is not the Folgers in your cup, it's knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
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One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don’t speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to “secure a building,” they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
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What did the Alabama sherriff call the nigger who had been shot 15 times? Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.
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