About 4,000 years ago: God: "I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!" Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note* God: "Correction, I shall create a great flood!"

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Sylvester Stallone's son was found dead. I guess we have a good plot for the next Rambo movie now.

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Chuck Norris can strum your pain with his fingers, tell your whole life with his words – but mainly just kill you softly with his song.

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Yo mama is so stupid that when she got locked up in the supermarket she starved to death.

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My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice, "Theres something I must confess." "Shhh" I said, "theres nothing to confess. Everythings alright." "No I must die in peace. I had s*x with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!" "I know," I whispered "Thats why i posion you, now close your eyes!"

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