I watched Justin Bieber get shot in CSI and my brother asked "Why are you crying?" I said "Because he didn't die in real life"

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Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court. "Mickey," the judge says, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me." "I didn't say she was insane," exclaims Mickey. "I said she was f**king Goofy."

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Chuck Norris and Jean-Claude Van Damme play tug a war with live annacondas.

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Q: What would Princess Diana be doing if she were alive today? A: Clawing at the lid of her coffin.

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Chuck Norris and Justin Bieber once had a singing contest, the loser had to never hit puberty.

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