Q: Did you hear Lorena Bobbitt was almost killed in a traffic accident? A: Some dick cut her off.

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Q: What do you call Harrison Ford when he smokes weed? A: Han So-high

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(A) You are not Tom Cruise, (B) The guns may stop working at the last moment, (C) The Enemy is 1000 times intelligent than you, (D) Your family might not like the amount of compensation on your behalf (E) Just remember, "the safest way to win over your enemies is by making them your friends!"

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Grandma: "Why is that dumb piece of cotton candy talking." Me: "Grandma, thats Nikki Minaj."

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Drake Bell: In honor of Kim and Kanye's baby "North West" I will be naming my first son "Taco".

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