Growing up, Samuel L. Jackson didn't have a mother and a father. He had a mother and a motherf*cker.

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Everybody loves Raymond. Except for Chuck Norris.

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Q: Did you hear Lorena Bobbitt was almost killed in a traffic accident? A: Some dick cut her off.

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I watched Justin Bieber get shot in CSI and my brother asked "Why are you crying?" I said "Because he didn't die in real life"

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"I felt a lump in my mouth as the ball went in." - Terry Venables.

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