I do two hours of cardio every day. But I still need to find the closest parking spot to the gym.

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A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie’s house, and grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park…and couldn’t find his way home. ” Oy Morris “, said grandma, ” You’ve been going to that park for over 30 years ! So how could you get lost ? ” Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn’t hear. Morris whispered, ” I wasn’t lost…..I was just too tired to walk home.”

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Question: Why are hurricanes sometimes named after women? Answer: When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

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"Did you hear about the farmer who lost control of his tractor in the cow pasture?" "No." "Did he hurt the cows?" "No, he just grazed them."

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This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them. "You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money." Then she whispers, "You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes..."

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