What's the difference betwee Elton John and Princess Diana ? One's composing, the other is decomposing.

What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass.

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father." The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love y ... read more

Are you lost, ma'am? Because Heaven's a long way from here.

Question: What should a man do if his wife runs into the room during a baseball match and keeps disturbing you? Answer: Shorten the chain.