What's red and crawls up your leg? A homesick miscarriage.

What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller? A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler!

How did they know that the driver had dandruff? They found his head and shoulders in the glove box.

While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen. "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"

The reason why women will never be the ones who propose is that as soon as they get on their knees, man starts unzipping.