Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.

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In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, “Don’t get excited, Albert; don’t scream, Albert; don’t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert.” A woman standing next to him said, “You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert.” The man looked at her and said, “Lady, I’m Albert.”

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I got home to see my two months pregnant wife crouched in the bathroom crying. Her red, smudged eyes looked at me as she told me she'd lost the baby. I told the silly thing not to be so upset, I could clearly see it in the toilet.

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What do you call a baby potato? A small fry.

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Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week? Because the text on the nappies package said "18-40 lbs".

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