Which is the only day you you are safe in a cannibal village? Sitter days (when they eat the baby-sitter instead)!

Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week? Because the text on the nappies package said "18-40 lbs".

Mama Raptor and Papa Raptor were in court getting a divorce and the judge offered Baby Raptor a choice of which parent to live with. JUDGE: "Do you want to live with your mother?" BABY RAPTOR: "No! She beats me." JUDGE: "OK, then you can live with your father." BABY RAPTOR: "No! He beats me too!" JUDGE: "Well you have to live with someone. Who do you want to live with?" BABY RAPTOR: "I want to live with my Aunt Bertha in Toronto." JUDGE: "Is there any chance she'll beat you also?" BABY RAPTOR: "No sir. The Toronto Raptors don't beat anybody."

Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? When the kids are in college.

When Chuck Norris was a baby he didnt have teddy bears. He had real bears.