A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me." "Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned." "Thass a great idea!" When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. "Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?" He tries to put on a sober voice and says, "Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me f ... read more

There were three strings that walked into the bar. They sat down and they didn't get waited on so the first string walked up to the bar and asked for three beers. The bartender said, "I'm sorry buddy we don't serve strings in here." The string walks back to the table and tells his friends what the bartender said. "I've been here before and gotten a drink, I'll go get us something to drink," said the second string. The second sting walks up to the bar and politely asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender says, "I thought I told your buddy we don't serve strings in here." S ... read more

Where does an Irish family go on holiday? A different bar.

A pirate walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender walks over to him and says "Hey, I couldn't help but notice when you walked in. Is that a steering wheel hung between your legs?" "Aye!" replied the pirate, "And it's drivin' me nuts!"

What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a tupperware party? They're both out looking for a tight seal.