"What is a man's idea of a balanced diet?" "A Budweiser in each hand!"

Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash. "Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender. "Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things: First you've got to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Then we've got a pit bull out back with an abscessed tooth, and it's up to you to yank it out. Finally, the 90-year old lady who owns this place is upstairs. If you can give her a multiple-orgasm, all the money's yours." Tony was up for it. He paid the fee and approached the hulk ... read more

Q: What’s the difference between men and pigs? A: Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.

Daughter: "That's it! I'll mary Arthur!" Mother: "But he is a lazy guy and heavy-drinker!" Father: "But you have to start with something!"

What do you call an alcoholic dog? A whino!