Two drunks are walking down the street when they come across a dog, sitting on the kerb, licking its privates. They watch for a while before one of them says, ‘I sure wish I could do that!’ The other looks at him and says, ‘Wouldn’t you like to make friends with him first?’‘

 177

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What's a difference between a blond and a mosquito? once you smack a mosquito it stops sucking

 213

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What a barman! When I asked for something tall, cold and full of gin, he called his wife out.

 162

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While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For fuck sake, you wanker, it's 2am in the fucking morning!!"

 222

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I gave up alcohol last year. It was the longest 20 minutes of my life.

 192

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